For better or for worse, we live in a constantly changing world. Change can be overwhelming for adults, but expecially so for children. While adults usually cope with these transitions by drawing on past experiences or implementing the coping mechanisms they’ve tailored to their needs, our kids haven’t been around long enough to know how to handle the stress.
When we talk about children, we tend to forget that they are experiencing many of life’s challenges for the first time. What may seem like a minor change, such as a playground closed for repair or changing from one room to another, may be incredibly challenging for a child. Without coping skills of their own, they might get frustrated, upset, act out, or revert to old behaviors. Therefore, it is understandable that a significant life change, such as the first time being separated from their parents, starting school, becoming an older sibling, or living through a pandemic, is scary and can cause severe distress and anxiety.
Parenting children through change is challenging. Still, understanding and supporting them through these changes and fostering coping strategies are vital skills to becoming well-adjusted adults.
As your child grows, their brain is constantly developing and maturing. Inside their skull, complex processes involved in experiencing thoughts, emotions, and behaviors are actively working and constructing neural networks between key areas of the brain.
The prefrontal cortex carries out logic and problem-solving. Dealing with emotions, impulses, aggression, fight or flight responses (i.e., our core survival instincts), and meltdowns are handled by the limbic system and the amygdala. In addition, as we experience new things and learn from our environment, the neural networks between brain structures are constantly being shaped and modified, allowing us to adapt and grow throughout our lives.
One of the best ways to demonstrate a child’s response to change (or stress) is to review Dan Siegel’s concept of “flipping your lid.” This is an incredibly helpful tool for parents, and can be taught to your children as well! Siegel begins by explaining the basic brain structure, as discussed above, and then shares what happens to the brain in moments of stress.
In moments of change, an emotional trigger tells the limbic system and the amygdala to release stress chemicals throughout the body, effectively taking the prefrontal cortex (the problem-solving, logical center) off line. As with an adult’s fight-or-flight reflex, your child’s body is preparing for imminent danger, even though it likely doesn’t exist. Often, this will cause our children to display challenging behaviors, such as hitting or biting, because logic can't intervene and control their impulsive behavior. In addition, our children may feel complex emotions without the words to express them to us; therefore, they rely on showing or demonstrating their feelings physically.
A familiar routine, if altered, can cause your child anxiety, insecurity, or fear. Still, there are steps you can take to help them process change. For example, if you have just moved into a new home, set up your child's room. Whenever possible, ensure similar items are placed on the same shelves, and similar decorations are hung on the walls. Consistency will help them feel at ease as they settle into their new home. Alternatively, involve them in the process when something changes; for example, ask them if they'd like to help pick the color for their room.
In moments of change, the most meaningful thing you can do for them is to assure them that even if something changes, you will always love them as much as you used to. Provide extra encouragement, support, and love during periods of change, while projecting a confident attitude about their abilities. Your child's behavior and responses will gradually diminish as they adjust to the change. However, if, after several months, your child is still having trouble adjusting, you should speak with a professional.
When your child continues to experience significant difficulty coping with life transitions, a therapist may be necessary. Therapy can offer insight and guidance that can benefit you and your child; in addition, therapy can help break the cycle of intrusive thoughts and panic triggered by unexpected and expected changes in your child's life. At Pure Health Center, we offer therapy for children and families in Chicago as well as parenting support that will help the whole family navigate tricky seasons of life.
Naturally, parents want to protect their children from negative feelings and situations; they will stop at nothing to ensure they are safe. Therefore, we may be tempted to immediately remove our child from a triggering situation, but be careful. When it comes to helping children recover from anxiety, preventing them from being exposed to stressful situations can cause more harm than good. In addition to reinforcing their fear that change and transitions are scary, it hinders their ability to develop the tools they will need to deal with change in the future.
You may be concerned about how your child will cope with their first major life transition. You may have already experienced difficulties with your child adapting to changes, and you want the transition to go as smoothly as possible for them. However, it is never too early to prepare your child for the transition ahead of time with the help of a therapist. Contact Pure Health Center today for more information regarding counseling in Chicago, IL, or to schedule an appointment!
